Morning Depression

I’m a sucker for pain & punishment.  I love to feel my negative feelings because to me it’s all that seems real.  Just this morning I woke up depressed.  Angry.  Brooding life & all my miserable triumphs.  I’m sitting here sad.  I want to run away.  Leave everyone & everything behind.  I feel like a fake, like I’m going through the motions, pleasing everyone but not giving in to my own wants & need.  But then, I don’t want anything.  Except for that one thing that makes my arms tingle, my eyes water, and my head light as a blade of grass.  I want to float off into Never, Never Land, and never come back again.  I want to walk on water, and run through the sky; float in the clouds and obliterate anything meaningful.  But I don’t do it because I want to feel my feelings, only my feelings don’t get me high like that other thing did way back when.  I want to sever any connection that I have with this world and crawl into a hole- - -a void in the Nether Regions.  I want to be free of belonging, climb through a black hole and never look back.  Of course that’s fantastical thinking.  Instead I’ll just shut down, not speak, and cry internally, dreaming … dreaming of a better life, somewhere in between universes where I’m a pharaoh looking down at the mess I’ve created, as opposed to standing directly across from it dwelling on the errors of my ways.  I’m above that and I need a platform to lift me up on to my plateau so I can distance myself from the folly of life’s torments & tribulations.  I want to be higher than life, but only in death will I feel a sense of belonging, because that is the only way for me to escape my daunting miseries.  I feel so alone; I guess I’m lonely and I feel misunderstood.  I don’t want to be average, living a normal life in this ordinarily ordinary world because I’ve gone so far off the reservation at one point that it makes it rather hard to come back.  I don’t know, why bother?  Why bother doing anything right when it all just comes out wrong?  I’m sold on any easier way that is offered, but to me the only easy way out is into the void.  So I’m stuck.  This morning I woke up depressed and yet I sit in my chair trying to find a solution.  Maybe it would just be easier to just run….